Dear Mom


Dear Mom,

It’s been sixtythreemilliononehundredandfiftyeightthousandfourhundred seconds

onemillionfiftytwothousandsixhundredandforty minutes

seventeenthousandfivehundredandfortyfour hours

sevenhundredandthirtyone days

onehundredandfour weeks

twentyfour months

two years

since I last heard you laugh, gave you a hug, told you I love you more than anything, saw your crazy morning hair, felt your soft neutrogena lotioned hands, listened to you say the last thing you’d say to me in person, “don’t forget to take a twenty from my wallet, I’m sure dad’s not feeding you much.”

I like that our last encounter wasn’t sad. That it was just another morning, you just happened to be in bed not feeling well. I like that your last words to me weren’t teary, but rather a funny thing. I can remember it and laugh, instead of remember it and cry.

Things have changed a lot without you. Only now have I just begun to realize that this has to happen, that I have to be okay with it. Everyone says that the first year is the hardest, hitting all of those big days for the first time without you would be terrible. Truth is, I didn’t even know what was going on half of the time in 2010. I think this past year was significantly harder, somehow the extension of time made it finally feel real. Buying a prom dress, driving your car for the first time by myself without you taking a million pictures of me pulling out of the driveway as a mom should, deciding where I’m going to college, cutting nearly a foot of my hair off without you holding my hand. That was the tough stuff. Not the birthdays and holidays. I think I’m just starting to get that this is it. My life is mom-less and that’s how it’s going to be. I feel like I’m coming out of the hardest year, hitting today. At least I hope I am.

Tonight we celebrated you. We weren’t sure what to do with ourselves, as these big days usually feel. I think we did today just right. We surrounded ourselves with family, friends, flowers, beer, wine, pizza, cheese, memories, music. We didn’t talk much about you, since you hate being the center of attention. We did cheers to you though, about thirty times. I’m sure you joined in with your “chardonnay with ice on the side please” for at least one of those, even if we didn’t all get to clink your glass.

I meant to capture some moments of tonight, of us genuinely having fun, as if you were here. I totally forgot. That’s okay. Maybe it’s not about the photos that we don’t have, but the memories we do.

It’s about that pair of perfectly poured Guinesses enjoyed.

And those sophisticated sips.

And the large amounts of cheese consumed, as only you could appreciate.

Cheers, mom. zicky tacky, zicky tacky oy oy oy!

I love you more than anything, always and forever.




Author: audrey

I bake photograph smile drink sparkling water eat cucumbers& goldfish wake up at 6:30 dance clean have hair with a personality adore kids

12 thoughts on “Dear Mom

  1. If there is a computer in Heaven, your Mom is reading this, but if not, she doesn’t really have to. She knows Audrey, she knows.

    Love and Hugs

  2. Beautifully said. She loves you so much Audrey. Your Mom is always with you. xo

  3. I just wish we could hear her :). I think we do though… the songs perfectly picked on the radio. Love you always!

  4. Beautiful Words, Wonderful prayer…… Lots of love Laura

    PS She hears you :)

  5. I’m sorry you lost your mom at such a young age Audrey. Your mother would be so proud of what a great soul you are…. I don’t know you personally but I can tell you are smart, funny, creative and caring ((hugs!!!)) ~Mrs Shapiro

  6. What a beautiful tribute to your precious Mom. I know she is proud of you as I was of her.
    Love, Mima

  7. Eloquently stated from a very eloquent girl…Ken was just remembering the ham and cheese (there’s that word again…cheese) he split with her when they were last together…always looking at the bright side of things and finding something to laugh at….cheese…xo

  8. It was wonderful to be with you last night as we remember your beautiful Mom. Your heartfelt letter has brought me to tears. Your spirit never ceases to amaze me and yet I have to remember that you have so much of your Mom inside you. Just the other day when you were laughing in my room while watching the fateful R& B video with Erin, I felt like I was touched by your Mom. Then again last night when we were chatting it up & laughing there was your Mom again. I hope you feel her presence because she is there. It is always a pleasure to be in your company and I just know that each & every milestone you reach your Mom is so proud and right there beside you. I love you, Judy

  9. BTW-you are so right! it is so about all the memories we cherish and the new ones we will make.
    Here’s to your Mom!

  10. Absolutely wonderful Audrey. You are your Mom in many ways. Your beauty, thoughtfulness and creativity are a just to name a few. I’ve been thinking of your Mom a lot this year and know exactly what you are saying. I miss you and love you very much. I can’t wait to see you again, I hope it’s really soon.
    Love, Uncle Donald

  11. Audrey… what an amazing person you are! Thank you for this beautiful post. I know your mom is so proud…..

  12. Sweet amazing audrey :) I agree with you, each milestone is so bittersweet, feeling good about but always wishing your mom was there in person. the third year and every year does get better, unbelievably, but you already know that you’ll be more than ok- your a star and you always shine xoxo we all love you!!!

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