Holy Guacamole

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Definition: An exclamation said when surprised, used when in shock or disbelief.

That is not a joke, I searched the definition of guacamole and this came up instead. I just thought it was worth sharing, it certainly brought a smile to my face. Could you imagine everyone in the world who said Oh My God! replaced it with HOLY GUACAMOLE! Wouldn’t the world be a much funnier place?

I love guac. With chips, of course. I will eat it every day for the rest of my life and never grow bored of it, like I have with so many foods (peanut butter sandwiches, eggo waffles, iceberg lettuce). It’s one of those things that I feel like many people would say, if I could buy guacamole, why make it? Why NOT make it? It’s fresher, healthier, you can change up the flavor, and it tastes so darn good. Did I mention how easy it is to make? It’s less than ten ingredients, which may seem like a lot but I often find that I have these ingredients in my house regularly.

When it comes to baking, I’m all for using a recipe exactly as it is stated. I may tweak a few things now that I understand more of the science of it, or just guesstimate what a teaspoon of vanilla is when I’m too lazy to measure, but for the most part I follow to a baking recipe like it’s my boss. When it comes to cooking, however, I usually just look at the ingredients of a recipe and figure out how much I will need. Sometimes I really prefer cooking to baking, since I hate not being in control. With cooking, if there is a mistake it is usually fixable. With baking, every ingredient has to be mixed into the batter in the proper order and for the right amount of time. It gets tedious. I really have no patience when it comes to measuring vegetables and figuring out how small to chop something, so nothing that I cook ever tastes the same as the last time I made it. Keeps life interesting and all. So for those of you who pretend that a recipe is Simon in Simon Says, this post will be of no help to you. If you are more of an adventurer when it comes to food, read on.



-2 avocados

-a few grape tomatos

-fresh cilantro

-one lime

-one medium clove of garlic

-shallot, diced really small


-one jalapeno pepper

Alright, so I’m not even going to write the procedure for this recipe like a normal recipe. I’m going to tell you why I chose my ingredients and how I’ve used them in a way that my guac came out unbelievably.

First, I cut my avocado. I don’t just scoop them out of the shell(?) like a normal person, I’m pretty sure that the I learned how to cut avocados by watching Take Home Chef. (I also learned how to crack an egg with one hand from the nice aussie Curtis Stone). To cut an avocado, make sure you have a really sharp knife. Hold the avocado vertically in the left hand if you’re a righty, right hand if you’re a lefty. Start cutting a vertical line through the skin until you feel the pit, and then cut all the way around so you can pull apart the two sides. Hold the side without the pit in the same hand, and cut diagonal lines about a cm apart from each other from top to bottom. Do the same going the other way, so you end up with diamond shaped pieces of avocado. Squeeze them out into the bowl. Take the pit out of the other side using a spoon, but DO NOT THROW IT OUT!! Repeat what you just did on this side, and then repeat the whole process with the second avocado. The reason I like to cut my avocados like this is that it makes it much easier the mush it up later. Again, DON’T THROW OUT THE PITS OF YOUR AVOCADOS!!! Save them on the side of your workspace, you’ll put them back into the guacamole later. It prevents the guac from turing brown really quickly.

Now, put the lime on the counter. Roll it with a strong arm against the counter. This will break up the cells that contain juice within the lime, making it much easier to juice it once its open. Now you make cut it in half and start with half a limes worth of juice in the guac, you can always add more later.

Wash the cilantro. Chop it into relatively small pieces and add it to the bowl.

Garlic. I hate biting into a piece of garlic, so I usually just use a garlic press. You can chop it up however you’d like though.

Diced shallots… dicing a shallot can be tricky because they are so small, so if you cant make nice even pieces just run your knife over it over and over until you have tiny pieces of shallot.

Cut the grape tomatoes in half lengthwise, and then lengthwise again so you have 4 pieces. cut each of those 4 pieces crosswise into thirds. Add them to the bowl.

Jalapeno- Cut of the top. Now cut it lengthwise into quarters. Remove any white part, this is bitter. If you like a little spice, add some seeds but if not just leave them out. Again, dice the jalapeno into small pieces.

Add whatever ingredients are left to the bowl, and mash it all up with a fork. Add salt to taste. Store in an airtight container in the fridge with the two pits buried within the guac. I like to let mine sit overnight in the fridge so the flavors grow together, but it’s okay to eat it right away too. If you let it sit though, the top will be brown. Just mix it up again with a spoon and you’ll see that the areas closest to the pit are still that beautiful green.


ps…happy pi day! sorry I didn’t make any pie. Maybe tomorrow!



Author: audrey

I bake photograph smile drink sparkling water eat cucumbers& goldfish wake up at 6:30 dance clean have hair with a personality adore kids

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